I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
