I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
