So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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