She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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