TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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