I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
