1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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