yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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