Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
