update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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