Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
