can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
