I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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