you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
