I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
