just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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