So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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