Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
