Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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