Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
