I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
