so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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