i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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