def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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