Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
