Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
