i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
