went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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