Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
