My first STD was from a foam party
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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