WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
