While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
