Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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