i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Randomize
