You're my little dorito
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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