I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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