hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
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