This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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