My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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