I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
it glows. i had to have it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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