I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
