im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
