i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He shit in the fireplace
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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