I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
