not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
