I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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