the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
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