I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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