I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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