A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
