His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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