I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
