I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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