i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
