it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
