I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
this is an emotional support booty call
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
