You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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