i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
