My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
