i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
