sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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