My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
