To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
